or, Thoughts from Today
I. I want to live alone
III. also daydreaming about a pallet bed frame, I could make one. I already own too much shit. At the same time, I’m looking around my room and half the space is taken up by the bags and boxes used to store the other half.
IV. A boy I slept with last winter is wandering around the student union and I am pretending not to see him. I hurt his feelings a lot. I’ve hurt a lot of feelings. He’s an ass though.
V. Skin obsession. Finally, the realization that I’ve done everything with my face but be gentle. just leave it alone, have the routine. Be more careful with yourself and your whole life, little girl. (what kind of embarrassing things are good to admit? I’ve been watching Next Top Model to study the way girls walk and pose and hold themselves.)
VI. The realization today is that my face is covered in freckles. Light ones, not just on my nose where I knew they were, but all over my cheeks, forehead. What a shock! The realization that I haven’t gone without wearing makeup for more than a week since I was, what? Fifteen? Except for that week in St.Louis that radiates as a good memory, ¿mi mamacita notó mis pecas? Quizás son demasiado pequeñas para notar, para mi son interesante porque yo nunca será hermosa pero ¡dios mio! Al menos puedo ser interesante de mirar. y de pronto me acordé de la marca que tengo en mi mejilla derecha (¿mejilla izquierda?) que me gustó siempre porque mi hermano tiene un lunar en el mismo lugar. Y no es obvio, pero me había olvidado de todo, haciendo un mal trabajo con maquillaje durante tanto tiempo…
But this must all be a lie, because what about my first year of college, when I lived with those girls I hated and had no moment of privacy in which to terrorize my face? What did I look like then? I have a lot of memories from freshman year, but I’m not in any of them. (Doesn’t this fuzzy period begin before that? I wonder if there is a biological response to a loss of self-identity).
- Arab proverb